looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I deserve this hangover.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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