Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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