i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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