She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
