mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
