omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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