Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Randomize
