thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
