...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
