Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
