I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's the barista slut.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
