I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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