Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
