It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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