i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
