Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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