i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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