4 words: hood of his car
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
