hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
