He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
