My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
