Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
