she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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