I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
