I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
