I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
