remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
