I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
