We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
