I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Randomize
