and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
