Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was born a porn star she said
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
