So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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