you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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