You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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