he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
