Can Purell be used as lube?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
