Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
