You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
