Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
