can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We had sex on a dog bed..
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
