Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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