K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
