i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
