I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
