This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
