My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
