:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
