textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You are the jesus of drinking
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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