is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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